Maybe you will get more constructive criticism in the 'critique' section, as that's the whole idea of it...
I am no expert at all when it comes to photos (I'm still learning), but I do find the background in this shot very distracting, and my eyes are drawn to that rather than anything else. The shot seems a little 'busy' (if that's the right word) with no real focal point, leaving one's eyes to wander around. Maybe if the background was OOF, it would be better.
On a positive note, I do like the idea you've tried to create, and with a little fiddling around, I think it could work really well. I'm sure someone who knows what they're talking about will put you right
