[Dave]

"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."
"A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
not here. So, leave a message."
"Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial-aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends,
you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of oney."

(Narrator's voice): There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly...the
telephone rings! The bathroom e-x-p-l-o-d-e-s into a veritable
maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms
windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas, no!
His valiant effort is in vain! The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a essage."

"Hi!...Now, you say something."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(From a Japanese friend in Toronto)..."He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you
leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!"

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
.Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped
with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you
want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to
the phone."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets
are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need
their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and
number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our weapons and
can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's
safe to leave us a message."

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once
this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice
for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no
charge for this initial consultation. However, our staff of
professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to
further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your
schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing
it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So
leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you."

[Joe T]

Fab!