[Dave]

Won't let the missus see this, as she has a 1 series


A BMW is a special kind of car, and it takes a special type of person to drive one. The company has therefore devised an aptitude test to identify those of the required calibre.

Answer these simple questions to find out if you’ve got what it takes to drive a common-as-muck German repmobile with scowling bonnet and weird headlights:

1. Your BMW is equipped with four orange flashing lights, one at each corner. What should you use them for?

A: To indicate my intention to turn at an approaching junction
B: Nothing: they are entirely decorative, and have no practical purpose
C: To enable me to park wherever and whenever I choose, regardless of disruption to other users of the footpath.

2. When might you use a hand-held mobile phone whilst driving your BMW?

A: Never, as it is inconsiderate to other road users.
B: Strictly in emergency situations only
C: All of the time: I need to keep calling people up to remind them how great I am.

3. You are doing 100 miles an hour in the outside lane of the motorway, when you come up behind another car. What do you do?

A: Slow down to a safer speed, and pull into the lane to my left
B: Ease off just a little to keep a safe distance between the other car and mine
C: Drive right up to the car’s bumper and keep flashing my lights until the idiot gets out of my way.

4. Which of these best describes the kind of work that you do?

A: Caring for other people
B: Making something of practical use
C: Selling houses or drugs at a big profit

5. Your latest sales bonus / drug deal leaves you with an extra couple of thousand pounds to spend on your new BMW. What features might you add to its specification?

A: A full leather interior for comfort and durability
B: Satellite navigation to help me get to important meetings on time
C: A set of enormous alloy wheels that make the car look like a giant Tonka toy.

6. You drive your grandmother to the supermarket to do your shopping for you. Where do you park your BMW?

A: In a standard parking space, with all the ordinary cars
B: Parking spaces? I’ve got those orange lights, remember!
C: Supermarket? The old bat can take the bus and like it.

7. Because of a poorly-designed bend in the road, your BMW mounts a kerb, causing you to run into a group of schoolchildren, and almost drop your mobile phone. Your first words after the accident are most likely to be:

A: “I am so sorry, it’s all my fault!”
B: “Stay calm everyone, I’ll call an ambulance.”
C: “I’ll have to call you back, mate, some stupid kids have … Oh, my God! Look at the state of my car; I paid more than 25 grand for this, you know!”

8. Somebody says that you have such an ego that you think any criticism of you or your BMW can only be motivated by envy. What do you do?

A: Give consideration to what they say; maybe they have a point
B: Have a reasoned discussion to try and change their point of view
C: Ignore them: they are obviously jealous.

Scoring
For each question that you answered ‘A’ give yourself 0 points
For each question that you answered ‘B’ give yourself 0 points
For each question that you answered ‘C’ give yourself 10 points

Your Total
0 to 30 points: Get back to your Nissan Micra, loser!
40 to 50 points: Get back to your Nissan Micra, loser!
60 to 70 points: Welcome to the world of BMW! You need never let anyone out of a junction ever again.
80 points: You take smugness to a new level, and you have no mates. Well done! You qualify to drive that most BMW of all BMWs, the 3-Series Convertible.
More than 80 points: Not only are you smug and friendless, but you tell fibs too.
Brilliant! You have landed yourself a plum job on our sales team, where you can talk about yourself to other BMW drivers all day every day. Congratulations, it’s no less than you deserve!

[Jim Beam]

Seems to sum up most drivers these day

[Steve]

You missed the points off, how many points are given for each answer?