[Gary Bagshawe]

I saw this on a forum ages ago, a bit long winded but well worth the read, I was crying with laughter by the end.

Do Not Give Daddy a Tazer

My friends are fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have
outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled
in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled. I had gone
into the Star Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a super
ball in the checkout line--50 cents. What a bargain! It tickled my
fancy--still does. That thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided me
with hours of entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than that, now
does it? I'm so easily distracted. That dang super ball is so much fun.

So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought something really cool at
Larry's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday. The occasion was my 50th birthday and
I was looking for a little something extra cool. What I came across was a
100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer gun with a clip.

For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an
assailant with a shock of high voltage, low amperage electricity while you
flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time
to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed
assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle
eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil neck geek. If you've never seen
one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not
create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused. ~

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There
I sat in my recliner, my dog Molly looking on intently (trusting little
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Molly), and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Molly for a fraction of a second and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all. But, if I was
going to use this thing to protect myself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to
think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time So, there I sat in a pair of
shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions
said that a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two
second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily
control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference,
pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
thinking to myself, "no bloody way!" Bloody way--trust me, but I'm getting
ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those
of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm
sitting there alone, Molly looking on with her head cocked to one side as
to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one second burst from such a
tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
one second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is
like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad
decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't
ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
and.. Holy F**king ****!... DAMN....DAMN....DAMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me
up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position. Molly was standing over me making
whimpering sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do it again!" (Note: If you ever
feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is
no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going
to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one
of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was
a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. +/- an ounce or two, I'm
pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran
away. I'm offering a reward.

They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so
myself. Miss 'em . . sure would like to get 'em back.

[Steve]

Just one word is enough to describe that....Brilliant!!

[Mike Aiken]

Classic, thanks for that.

Mike