[Gary Bagshawe]

Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

[Dave]

.....Jerry Springer just loves em

[Rob Barron]

Reply from Redneck son....

Dear Ma and Pa,
I'm writing this more quickly as my pen's running out. The weather here is not wet but a bit windy. In fact, my chicken laid the same egg 4 times. I've been troubled with nightmares about eating giant marshmallows. They've stopped now but my pillow has gone missing. I wasn't feeling too well so my girlfriend took me to the doctor's. He put a glass tube in my mouth and told me to keep quiet for two minutes. My girlfriend asked where she could buy one of those tubes. Strange to hear about Uncle John, a friend of mine also died a couple of weeks ago after falling in a VAT of floor polish. I thought it was a terrible way to die but they said he had a lovely finish. I didn't go to work today because of the heavy snow. It was so bad on the way home yesterday I had to send my boss a text message: 'Dear boss, I won't be in today as I haven't got home yesterday yet!' I bought you a new CD for your birthday but I had to take it back as it had a hole in it. They offered to replace it but when they checked they all had the same problem... must have been a faulty batch. I saw that sci-film about the super-fertile man from outer space: ET the Extra testicle.
I'll write again soon. Your loving son, Red.
PS I was going to send you some money with this letter but I'd already sealed the envelope.

[jinxy]

lmao best laugh i have had in a long time